I have a question. = I have 18 questions. I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it. I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum. Happy to discuss further. = Don’t ask me about this again. No worries. = You really messed up this time. Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me. Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!

If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2. Recording on an Australian tax help line

You know you're texting too much when... ...you try to text, but you're on a landline.

"I feel like carp today" "Yeah, you look a little fishy"

Autocorrect has become my worst enema.

I saw a driver texting and driving. It made me so mad I threw my beer at him.

Guy: I’m sorry. I hate when we fight cuz I really like you too and wanna be with you too and everytime we fight I feel like I’m gonna make...

I tried to say, "I'm a functional adult," but my phone changed it to "fictional adult," and I feel like that's more accurate.

My computer suddenly started belting out "Someone Like You." It's a Dell.

Person 1: Do you know how to use Outlook? Person 2: As a matter of fact, I Excel at it. Person 1: Was that a Microsoft Office pun? Person 2: Word.