This is an important topic and was highlighted by my recent public talk at the Reacticon conference in Amsterdam.

I have recently received a number of emails from people asking questions about signs of cheating, with some of them coming up several times. The reasons why people cheat are complex and range from the simple to the truly bizarre. And while it’s just as hard to figure out what to do if you’re in that situation, it can be even harder to address if you’re not sure what you should do when confronted. I want to help people who are suffering with these questions, so I wrote a thought provoking post on it. It features among others:

  • Why would someone cheat?
  • What is cheating?
  • How can we tell if someone is cheating?
  • How can we avoid it?

I also wrote a follow up piece on the topic for Hacker News and Medium , where I tried to be nuanced about my own experience and how this relates to my work at Slack . This has been helpful for me in clarifying that my intentions are good here, but this is always a personal decision between two parties (myself and the other person) — which one is being dishonest or not. Hopefully this helps ease some of that confusion... But now let me get back into our main story! We’ve covered some of the most common signs of cheaters guilt (which is often confused with being dishonest) but there are many other signs that can indicate someone may be doing something wrong. Let’s take a look at four important ones: 1) Caught Breaching their Terms/Agreements 2) Getting Burned 3) Making Bad Decisions 4) Misleading/Bait-and-Swatting We all have breakable agreements we sign off on all the time: things like “don’t steal” or “no spamming” or “don’t jaywalk, etc. These agreements become less binding as we grow more comfortable with each other and feel more relaxed about violating them (which leads us into our next point). Breaking your own agreement should never feel good, but getting burned does feel good! 3) Breaking your own rules 4) Misleading/Bait-and-Swatting (sometimes referred to as “swatting” since you might pretend you don't know what they are

But, sometimes people do cheat and feel guilty afterward.

The most common question I get on this topic is “I’ve read that cheating is wrong and that cheating can be a sign of guilt. How can I tell if someone is doing it?”

A few years ago, I started collecting the signs of cheaters guilt I saw in the news, on blogs and in my own dealings. In all those cases, the person was someone with a moral or ethical obligation to act (i.e., a pastor or staff member at a church). People who don’t have such an obligation should be able to make ethical choices about what to do with their time, if they choose. Sometimes they do — sometimes they don’t — but still, there are some signs of cheaters guilt that we can reasonably infer from a person’s behavior:

Signs of Cheaters Guilt

Cheater guilt is also called “signs she cheated and feels guilty afterward” because it will feel like she cheated when she doesn’t because she has so much moral obligation. But cheating is not always wrong — and it will not always lead to feelings of guilt afterwards when something goes wrong. If you are experiencing the feeling yourself, let me remind you that cheating is not always wrong either (though many people believe it is).

When you feel cheater guilt after you have spent your time learning about someone else's behavior and then taking responsibility for your own actions, you are probably being influenced by specific factors (such as her violation of your privacy or innocence in other ways), rather than just feeling guilty for thinking this way. It may be helpful to think about these things from different angles:

  • A person's behavior is her choice, not yours If you cheat on your spouse and unwillingly end up in bed together one night after making love for the first time or two nights before or after, there isn't much that you can do about it. And if it doesn't happen again until later when your spouse makes assumptions about what happened earlier on and decides to engage in more cheating? Nothing changes except when people cheat intentionally on their spouses! It sounds awful but it really isn't anywhere near as bad as people want us to believe; nonetheless, when we feel guilty over something we did voluntarily with no expectations at all, we sometimes call ourselves “cheaters” even though we didn't intend to hurt anyone! That's one reason why cheat-and-feel-guilty

Here are some signs that your partner may be feeling guilty about cheating on you.

One of the most common questions that comes up in my interactions with new founders is, “What do I do if I’m not happy with my product?”

This is a very natural thing to ask. The product has to be something that you are proud of and would like for clients to use. Not only does it have to deliver on the main promises of your business, but it has to be something that clients wouldn’t mind paying a lot of money for. And even though you may have spent many hours and years perfecting the product, if it is not something they are willing or able to pay for, then you are either missing out on a big opportunity or perhaps you should re-think your plan.

One reason this question can be so hard to answer is that there isn’t one single thing we can point to as “proof” that your client is cheating — but there are many signs.

If you notice any of these signs in your partner, it may be because they feel guilty about cheating on you.

The mystery of infidelity is one of the great American myths, a valid question in some respects, but that is a topic for another day. The main point of this post is to make you aware that if you are in a long-term relationship with someone who’s having serious issues, you may want to think twice before you assume they’re not cheating.

As a couple, we know that there are multiple ways to cheat on each other (and yes, it happens). But we also know that if we don’t find out if our partner has actually cheated, it can get very confusing. And no matter what the reason for your partner’s infidelity might be – financial or emotional – doing something about it can make the situation much more manageable.

The fact is: when your partner cheats, they are basically asking you to do two things: trust them and trust yourself. Yes, sometimes our partners have legitimate reasons for cheating (they were having an affair with somebody else before they met us) and yes, sometimes we go along with their cheating behavior just so we can postpone dealing with the consequences (usually because we feel like we can’t handle them at the moment). But whatever their reasons for cheating may be – and whatever their reasons for being unfaithful might be – the fact remains that it only makes sense to deal with their cheating behavior the same way as everyone else does: by trusting them and trusting yourself.